I am female. Physically.  I have all the woman parts but they do not work. They are broken.  I have a uterus. I do not have ovaries.  I am 29 years old. A pretty woman.  Tall -6'2", thin, dark.  My figure is nice. Not curvy but nice.   I can never have children. I guess that means I get to keep my shape. Wow.  I am not impressed.  I am built like your average basketball player ( alumni DePaul Blue Demon). 

I am male. Genetically.  Hormonally.  I inherited a defective chromosome from dad.  I never went through puberty.  At first it was cool.  I thought.  I thought it was because I was so athletic. When mom and the doctors started to worry I lied.  I told them I started when I was 17.  I even started using pads and tampons.  I used to prick my big toe once a month with a sewing needle and squeeze blood out onto a pad. Sometimes I would squeeze some onto my panties.  I was a kid. Kids are creative.

People started pressuring me to date.  I did not want to.  I was interested in playing ball. Reading. School. Hanging out with my brothers in the garage. Learning to fix cars.  So I made up boyfriends. I got caught in lies. I then told my family I was gay. That went over well. Not.  So I started to date a boy.  We tried to have sex and it was so painful. I could not get aroused.  It started to spread that I was a freak. You know the pressure in school. Everyone has sex.  I started to buy female lubricant and before a date I rubbed a big glob inside of me.  I pretended to enjoy. I came home and cried everytime.  When I left for college I broke up with him. I was so happy.

After I was at school for a while I started to dress like a guy and go out.  I would dance and have fun and then go back to my dorm.  People found out who I was.  I wanted to run away.  Some of the girls on my team invited me out one night. I went. It was a gay bar.  I liked it but did not feel like I belonged.  I was so confused. The girls on the team told me I was gay. I told them I was not. They told me that I was in denial.

I only wished someone understood that I only wanted to be left alone.  No one could understand my hell. Not even I.  That did not come until much later as you will see.

To be continued.

If you read this and know people here who are willing to read and contribute and share with compassion and sincerity please let them know I am here. It will help me to have people to share with.

A work in progress. A painful journey. Anyone suffering with the reality of being intersexed, or who has someone in their life who suffers from a physical, genetic or hormonal gender disorder may benefit from the journal of my experiences.  To be unable to identify with either sex and yet exhibit characteristics on some level of both is no fun. Often misunderstood. We feel forced to solitude, hiding, desperate seeking, secrecy, emotional deprivation and withdrawal. A constant need to learn who we are and how we can fit into a world where no one can fully understand is our perpetual mission.  I will share observations and experiences, medical results, and research.  When and where I can I will address questions and hopefully shed some light on an unfortunate condition to which there is no cure.